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Short Stories 2007-2008
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The Royal Tenenbaums
By Steve Balsarini
(2001); Directed by Wes Anderson
FADE IN:
INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY WAITING ROOM NIGHT
STEVE sits in a chair pressing a bag of ice wrapped in a towel to the side of his face, as activity of bustling E.R. unfolds around him.
STEVE (V.O.)
One would think that at this point, I would learn to keep my big mouth shut.
A NURSE walks to STEVE, hands him a clipboard with a pen attached to it with a string. STEVE smiles gently and politely thanks her, then grimly begins filling out the form.
STEVE (V.O.)
I have received more than my share of grief from friends, family members, and coworkers alike for my taste in movies. Most of the time I just remind them that at least I have some.
INT. PHARMACY DEPARTMENT OF KESSLER’S GROCERY
STEVE rolls his eyes as he listens to FEMALE COWORKER speak enthusiastically on telephone; FEMALE COWORKER notices; cheerfully admonishes him. STEVE returns her smile.
STEVE (V.O.)
My punishments are usually mild; being gently chided for rolling my eyes while overhearing a female colleague gush about whatever mindless, formulaic “chick flick” she and her girlfriends saw the previous evening on their “Girls’ Night Out”.
EXT. POST OFFICE DAY
STEVE tries to placate a large aggressive REDNECK.
STEVE (V.O.)
Sometimes, though, the penalties are more severe, escalating to near fisticuffs and accusations of disloyalty to the state (“What are you, a commie?!”)…
REDNECK grabs STEVE by the shirt, mouthing words “What are you, a commie?” in unison with V.O. Sensing the futility and danger of the situation, STEVE flees. REDNECK gives chase.
…as the result of stating my dislike for “World Trade Center”, and dismissing it as ham-handed propaganda.
INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY WAITING ROOM DAY
STEVE continues filling out form. He removes the towel, revealing a painful-looking black eye. He gingerly touches it and winces.
STEVE (V.O.)
It seems, however, that if I ever needed to be careful about what I criticized, I especially needed to be careful about what I praised as well. The consequences can often be just as, if not more, dangerous.
INT. RED ROOSTER COFFEE HOUSE LATE AFTERNOON
STEVE sits at table drinking coffee with THREE ACQUAINTANCES.
STEVE (V.O.)
I recently sat down at a local coffee house with several friends and acquaintances, and the topic of movies once again reared its ugly head. After a little good-natured banter over who was the better Bond (Sean Connery, of course), we started talking about our “All-Time-Favorites”. When it came to my turn, I paused, looked thoughtfully up toward the coffee bar menu, and said,
STEVE
You know, I really liked The Royal Tenenbaums.
The clank of silverware falling to the table is heard as all activity at the table stops.
STEVE (V.O.)
The rest of the table froze. They all seemed to slowly recoil, looking at each other with silent dismay. They then turned back to me, and then back again at each other, stupefied. It was as if they had actually heard me say, “You know, I really liked that ‘Mein Kampf.’”
FEMALE ACQUAINTANCE sitting across table glares at STEVE and clears her voice.
STEVE (V.O.)
KELLIE, the aforementioned chick-flick addict, seemed to be the most bothered among them by my statement. She was the first to speak.
KELLIE
(in a derisively challenging tone)
Yeah, I saw it. I didn’t get it.
STEVE (V.O.)
The others, in silent agreement, all seemed to nod almost imperceptibly to each other as they turned toward me in unison, awaiting my response.
STEVE clears his throat, and hesitates.
STEVE (V.O.)
Common sense and decorum would normally have caused me to simply demur mildly at that moment with a passive chuckle and feign interest for the rest of the evening as the table discussed the relative merits of gravity-defying light-saber fights versus the poignant and moving love soliloquy Keanu Reeves delivers to finally win the heart of the heroic, strong-willed, modern woman. Unfortunately, this would not be the course of events that this particular evening would take.
STEVE looks at the others assessing their expressions; his face takes on a look of determination.
STEVE (V.O.)
Inexplicably, I chose to throw caution to the wind that night, and decided to defend my choice with all of the ferocity with which it had been assailed. If I had ever felt any ambivalence toward “The Royal Tenenbaums” before that moment, that ambivalence was now gone.
KELLIE leans in over the table, grinning in anticipation.
STEVE (V.O.)
I now LOVED this movie, and I would be damned if I was going to sit there and let anybody, least of all “Chick Flick Kellie”, malign what might now be, at least to me, the greatest motion picture ever made. Kellie had made a terrible miscalculation, and it was now time for her to pay.
STEVE returns her challenging smile with one of his own.
STEVE (V.O.)
First, I would describe how, from the very start, the structure of the film, as it organizes the story into chapters, punctuated by the narration of Alec Baldwin -ironically, probably his finest work – and it’s funny, too – I don’t normally like a lot of voice-over narration, makes it possible for us to appreciate fully the odyssey of Royal, the patriarch of the Tenenbaum family, and his exceptional, albeit presently troubled children: Chas, a financial genius; Margot, a highly praised playwright; and Ritchie, a tennis superstar, all fallen upon hard times. We see them struggle, fail, struggle again, and finally find some sort of fulfillment. It is truly an epic journey.
STEVE continues to stare blankly into space.
STEVE (V.O.)
I would then describe how painfully well written and developed the characters are, each with his or her own distinct talents, terrible weaknesses, and difficult challenges; how the cast, a group of freakishly talented actors, breathe life into these characters while allowing their own celebrity personas to disappear completely within them.
The others hesitate uncomfortably and look at eachother, wondering what to do next.
STEVE (V.O.)
The script’s themes – early promise and unfulfilled potential, loneliness, shame, unrequited love, regret, redemption, and acceptance– are universally accessible and speak directly to the heart. At various times in all of our lives, we have felt as these people have felt, and we ought to be fascinated when the mirror is held up before us so uniquely.
KELLY observes STEVE’S stupor, and stifles a small giggle.
STEVE (V.O.)
I could already hear her sneering her complaints. “People don’t act like that; People don’t talk like that! Nothing happens! They don’t do anything!” To that I would only need to say that it is that very restraint and formality in the action and dialogue that makes the story so effective. We are allowed to be moved by the power of the words; they are never diminished by any ridiculous “over-the-top” performance. Jim Carrey would never get within twenty miles of a Wes Anderson set.
One of the others gently taps STEVE on the hand, and softly calls his name. STEVE does not respond.
STEVE (V.O.)
Add to that the amazing cinematography, replete with montages and slow zooms, the marvelous sets and costumes, the quirky New York City landscapes, and top it all off with an incredible music soundtrack, and only a Neanderthal could miss all of the beauty and charm in this film.
STEVE stares contemplatively at KELLIE; she now appears at table dressed as a cavewoman.
STEVE (V.O.)
I thought briefly about that car insurance commercial with the cavemen, and for just a moment pictured Kellie, with a gigantic unibrow, protruding teeth, and a bone through her nose. Hmmm. The time for her come-uppance was now at hand.
STEVE snaps to, draws a breath, and confidently begins to speak.
STEVE (V.O.)
I never did get to defend The Royal Tenenbaums to these people. Rather than going directly into my arguments, AS I SHOULD HAVE DONE, I decided to start with a vaguely glib insult, saying something about…
STEVE
(Directly to KELLIE)
Pearls before swine.
STEVE (V.O.)
…making sure to say the word swine just as my eyes locked with Kellie’s.
KELLIE starts with shock; a look of extreme anger descends upon her face.
STEVE (V.O.)
Understanding my intent perfectly, her eyes flashed with rage, and she shrieked,
KELLIE
(Shrieking)
Did you just call me a pig?!
KELLIE stands up, her gesture sending the chair flying. She then screams as she flings her porcelain coffee cup at STEVE’S head. It lands with a precise thud.
STEVE (V.O.)
Cursing like a sailor, she then flung the entire contents of her Grande Mocha Frappucino all over my face and chest.
STEVE howls in pain, wipes his face, and presses his hand over his eye, as he moves toward the door.
STEVE (V.O.)
I remember as I sheepishly walked out the door, amid the jeering and laughter of the entire room, covered in coffee, chocolate and milk, hearing a pleading voice in the back exclaim desperately,
VOICE
“Oh, come on, don’t you get it?! They’re snakes…ON A PLANE!”
STEVE stops in his tracks, turns in the direction of the voice, rolls his remaining good eye, shakes his head, and EXITS.
THE END
What's Wrong
By Arielle Young Bear
I sat on the park bench just outside the Elementary school waiting for my little brother. I always used to sit here, even as a kid. I'd try to solve all the problems in my world, and sometimes even in the entire world but I never got too far. Even now, sitting here on this bench, I try to find the solutions to the problems that my ancestors faced; the loss of self. Well, their problems were forced on them, but my excuse is inheritance.
"Arie, what's wrong"
In the midst of extensive thinking, my little brother comes out of the blue and sits down by me.
I think to say, I'm hurting, and I've been hurt for what seems like forever, and IHS Ibuprofen just doesn't do the trick anymore. And sometimes, when I actually sleep, I dream about everything wrong and I wake up crying, and continue crying knowing it will never change, and is not promised to change. Sometimes the pain feels like going for a while without food or water, and sometimes that's why. No one is promised tomorrow, and in these times, I don't think you're even promised the next hour.
I think to say I'm sorry because I should be more of a sister to you, but I'm more like stranger because I keep to myself all the time. I should tell you what's going on, but I don't want you to think I'm weak, because I'm not, I just don't know how to do what it is I need to do sometimes.
I think to tell him keep you're head up, and don't grow up too fast. I have aged so much within the past couple of years, and even more in the past couple of hours, and the minutes slowly ease the days away, and the seconds tick into your next thought.
I should tell him about keeping promises and dreams alive. But maybe I'm not the one to be telling him those things because mine died just after I realized the world is full of liars and unkept promises. Maybe I should let let my mother, who's lied her way through life, tell him of theses things, or maybe I should let my father, the crazy, hysterical tell my brother of promises and truth. Because if it's one thing my father knows is about truth, and the deep lack of it that he has, because maybe when you know you are missing something in your life, it just means that much more to want it, or need it.
I think to tell him I'm lost, and if he knows how I can get where I'm going, if he even knows where that is, or even if he can tell me where to go, because when you're young you think you have the entire world figured out, but then you realize you don't even know yourself, and you become a prisoner of your own thoughts and your goals become mandatory because that's all you ever knew.
"Nothing is wrong" I tell him. "Come on, let's go home"
Because sometimes a lie is better than the truth.
INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY WAITING ROOM NIGHT
STEVE sits in a chair pressing a bag of ice wrapped in a towel to the side of his face, as activity of bustling E.R. unfolds around him.
STEVE (V.O.)
One would think that at this point, I would learn to keep my big mouth shut.
A NURSE walks to STEVE, hands him a clipboard with a pen attached to it with a string. STEVE smiles gently and politely thanks her, then grimly begins filling out the form.
STEVE (V.O.)
I have received more than my share of grief from friends, family members, and coworkers alike for my taste in movies. Most of the time I just remind them that at least I have some.
INT. PHARMACY DEPARTMENT OF KESSLER’S GROCERY
STEVE rolls his eyes as he listens to FEMALE COWORKER speak enthusiastically on telephone; FEMALE COWORKER notices; cheerfully admonishes him. STEVE returns her smile.
STEVE (V.O.)
My punishments are usually mild; being gently chided for rolling my eyes while overhearing a female colleague gush about whatever mindless, formulaic “chick flick” she and her girlfriends saw the previous evening on their “Girls’ Night Out”.
EXT. POST OFFICE DAY
STEVE tries to placate a large aggressive REDNECK.
STEVE (V.O.)
Sometimes, though, the penalties are more severe, escalating to near fisticuffs and accusations of disloyalty to the state (“What are you, a commie?!”)…
REDNECK grabs STEVE by the shirt, mouthing words “What are you, a commie?” in unison with V.O. Sensing the futility and danger of the situation, STEVE flees. REDNECK gives chase.
…as the result of stating my dislike for “World Trade Center”, and dismissing it as ham-handed propaganda.
INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY WAITING ROOM DAY
STEVE continues filling out form. He removes the towel, revealing a painful-looking black eye. He gingerly touches it and winces.
STEVE (V.O.)
It seems, however, that if I ever needed to be careful about what I criticized, I especially needed to be careful about what I praised as well. The consequences can often be just as, if not more, dangerous.
INT. RED ROOSTER COFFEE HOUSE LATE AFTERNOON
STEVE sits at table drinking coffee with THREE ACQUAINTANCES.
STEVE (V.O.)
I recently sat down at a local coffee house with several friends and acquaintances, and the topic of movies once again reared its ugly head. After a little good-natured banter over who was the better Bond (Sean Connery, of course), we started talking about our “All-Time-Favorites”. When it came to my turn, I paused, looked thoughtfully up toward the coffee bar menu, and said,
STEVE
You know, I really liked The Royal Tenenbaums.
The clank of silverware falling to the table is heard as all activity at the table stops.
STEVE (V.O.)
The rest of the table froze. They all seemed to slowly recoil, looking at each other with silent dismay. They then turned back to me, and then back again at each other, stupefied. It was as if they had actually heard me say, “You know, I really liked that ‘Mein Kampf.’”
FEMALE ACQUAINTANCE sitting across table glares at STEVE and clears her voice.
STEVE (V.O.)
KELLIE, the aforementioned chick-flick addict, seemed to be the most bothered among them by my statement. She was the first to speak.
KELLIE
(in a derisively challenging tone)
Yeah, I saw it. I didn’t get it.
STEVE (V.O.)
The others, in silent agreement, all seemed to nod almost imperceptibly to each other as they turned toward me in unison, awaiting my response.
STEVE clears his throat, and hesitates.
STEVE (V.O.)
Common sense and decorum would normally have caused me to simply demur mildly at that moment with a passive chuckle and feign interest for the rest of the evening as the table discussed the relative merits of gravity-defying light-saber fights versus the poignant and moving love soliloquy Keanu Reeves delivers to finally win the heart of the heroic, strong-willed, modern woman. Unfortunately, this would not be the course of events that this particular evening would take.
STEVE looks at the others assessing their expressions; his face takes on a look of determination.
STEVE (V.O.)
Inexplicably, I chose to throw caution to the wind that night, and decided to defend my choice with all of the ferocity with which it had been assailed. If I had ever felt any ambivalence toward “The Royal Tenenbaums” before that moment, that ambivalence was now gone.
KELLIE leans in over the table, grinning in anticipation.
STEVE (V.O.)
I now LOVED this movie, and I would be damned if I was going to sit there and let anybody, least of all “Chick Flick Kellie”, malign what might now be, at least to me, the greatest motion picture ever made. Kellie had made a terrible miscalculation, and it was now time for her to pay.
STEVE returns her challenging smile with one of his own.
STEVE (V.O.)
First, I would describe how, from the very start, the structure of the film, as it organizes the story into chapters, punctuated by the narration of Alec Baldwin -ironically, probably his finest work – and it’s funny, too – I don’t normally like a lot of voice-over narration, makes it possible for us to appreciate fully the odyssey of Royal, the patriarch of the Tenenbaum family, and his exceptional, albeit presently troubled children: Chas, a financial genius; Margot, a highly praised playwright; and Ritchie, a tennis superstar, all fallen upon hard times. We see them struggle, fail, struggle again, and finally find some sort of fulfillment. It is truly an epic journey.
STEVE continues to stare blankly into space.
STEVE (V.O.)
I would then describe how painfully well written and developed the characters are, each with his or her own distinct talents, terrible weaknesses, and difficult challenges; how the cast, a group of freakishly talented actors, breathe life into these characters while allowing their own celebrity personas to disappear completely within them.
The others hesitate uncomfortably and look at eachother, wondering what to do next.
STEVE (V.O.)
The script’s themes – early promise and unfulfilled potential, loneliness, shame, unrequited love, regret, redemption, and acceptance– are universally accessible and speak directly to the heart. At various times in all of our lives, we have felt as these people have felt, and we ought to be fascinated when the mirror is held up before us so uniquely.
KELLY observes STEVE’S stupor, and stifles a small giggle.
STEVE (V.O.)
I could already hear her sneering her complaints. “People don’t act like that; People don’t talk like that! Nothing happens! They don’t do anything!” To that I would only need to say that it is that very restraint and formality in the action and dialogue that makes the story so effective. We are allowed to be moved by the power of the words; they are never diminished by any ridiculous “over-the-top” performance. Jim Carrey would never get within twenty miles of a Wes Anderson set.
One of the others gently taps STEVE on the hand, and softly calls his name. STEVE does not respond.
STEVE (V.O.)
Add to that the amazing cinematography, replete with montages and slow zooms, the marvelous sets and costumes, the quirky New York City landscapes, and top it all off with an incredible music soundtrack, and only a Neanderthal could miss all of the beauty and charm in this film.
STEVE stares contemplatively at KELLIE; she now appears at table dressed as a cavewoman.
STEVE (V.O.)
I thought briefly about that car insurance commercial with the cavemen, and for just a moment pictured Kellie, with a gigantic unibrow, protruding teeth, and a bone through her nose. Hmmm. The time for her come-uppance was now at hand.
STEVE snaps to, draws a breath, and confidently begins to speak.
STEVE (V.O.)
I never did get to defend The Royal Tenenbaums to these people. Rather than going directly into my arguments, AS I SHOULD HAVE DONE, I decided to start with a vaguely glib insult, saying something about…
STEVE
(Directly to KELLIE)
Pearls before swine.
STEVE (V.O.)
…making sure to say the word swine just as my eyes locked with Kellie’s.
KELLIE starts with shock; a look of extreme anger descends upon her face.
STEVE (V.O.)
Understanding my intent perfectly, her eyes flashed with rage, and she shrieked,
KELLIE
(Shrieking)
Did you just call me a pig?!
KELLIE stands up, her gesture sending the chair flying. She then screams as she flings her porcelain coffee cup at STEVE’S head. It lands with a precise thud.
STEVE (V.O.)
Cursing like a sailor, she then flung the entire contents of her Grande Mocha Frappucino all over my face and chest.
STEVE howls in pain, wipes his face, and presses his hand over his eye, as he moves toward the door.
STEVE (V.O.)
I remember as I sheepishly walked out the door, amid the jeering and laughter of the entire room, covered in coffee, chocolate and milk, hearing a pleading voice in the back exclaim desperately,
VOICE
“Oh, come on, don’t you get it?! They’re snakes…ON A PLANE!”
STEVE stops in his tracks, turns in the direction of the voice, rolls his remaining good eye, shakes his head, and EXITS.
THE END
What's Wrong
By Arielle Young Bear
I sat on the park bench just outside the Elementary school waiting for my little brother. I always used to sit here, even as a kid. I'd try to solve all the problems in my world, and sometimes even in the entire world but I never got too far. Even now, sitting here on this bench, I try to find the solutions to the problems that my ancestors faced; the loss of self. Well, their problems were forced on them, but my excuse is inheritance.
"Arie, what's wrong"
In the midst of extensive thinking, my little brother comes out of the blue and sits down by me.
I think to say, I'm hurting, and I've been hurt for what seems like forever, and IHS Ibuprofen just doesn't do the trick anymore. And sometimes, when I actually sleep, I dream about everything wrong and I wake up crying, and continue crying knowing it will never change, and is not promised to change. Sometimes the pain feels like going for a while without food or water, and sometimes that's why. No one is promised tomorrow, and in these times, I don't think you're even promised the next hour.
I think to say I'm sorry because I should be more of a sister to you, but I'm more like stranger because I keep to myself all the time. I should tell you what's going on, but I don't want you to think I'm weak, because I'm not, I just don't know how to do what it is I need to do sometimes.
I think to tell him keep you're head up, and don't grow up too fast. I have aged so much within the past couple of years, and even more in the past couple of hours, and the minutes slowly ease the days away, and the seconds tick into your next thought.
I should tell him about keeping promises and dreams alive. But maybe I'm not the one to be telling him those things because mine died just after I realized the world is full of liars and unkept promises. Maybe I should let let my mother, who's lied her way through life, tell him of theses things, or maybe I should let my father, the crazy, hysterical tell my brother of promises and truth. Because if it's one thing my father knows is about truth, and the deep lack of it that he has, because maybe when you know you are missing something in your life, it just means that much more to want it, or need it.
I think to tell him I'm lost, and if he knows how I can get where I'm going, if he even knows where that is, or even if he can tell me where to go, because when you're young you think you have the entire world figured out, but then you realize you don't even know yourself, and you become a prisoner of your own thoughts and your goals become mandatory because that's all you ever knew.
"Nothing is wrong" I tell him. "Come on, let's go home"
Because sometimes a lie is better than the truth.
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